(no subject)

I just don't know what to say about Britney Spears. So I won't say anything.

The family are sleeping, and I am awake. Trend?

Today was a playdate of sorts at Otsiningo Park. Topaz missed her nap, but was exuberantly happy the whole time. She was fascinated by everything. She got to swing on the swingset for the first time ever, and once she got used to it, she totally loved it. Pictures will be posted eventually.

It was a gorgeous day, quite warm. I think I'll take her back there on nice days. I don't like it so much there for walking, though, since it gets really crowded.

To-do list for tomorrow:

vaccuum
clean kitchen
dishes
laundry
take pictures of diapers/yarn to sell/trade

I'm beginning to rethink this whole insane life I've been trying to live recently. I'm feeling attacked on a molecular level. Everything is toxic, everything will give you cancer, everything and everyone is trying to kill you. Or so it goes in my head. And probably, it's true. But what can I really do about it? I'm trying to create a little bubble big enough for my little family, and that's just no way to live. I don't want to project my fears and anxiety on to Topaz, and quite frankly, I'm sick of living with them myself. So we've made some positive changes in the last year. We are more careful with what we bring into our home and put into our bodies. That's a good thing. But it's just not realistic to be as thorough as I want to be. It's not possible.

So here's what I've decided. I thought long and hard about what is at the heart of my obsession. Plain and simple, I want my family to be as healthy as is realistically possible, in order that we might have a good chance of fighting off illness and diseases that might become epidemics. The healthier you are and the stronger your immune system, the better your chances. So really, what I want is to do what I can to bolster our immunity. There are lots of things we can do for that. Just being strong and healthy will keep us safe from a lot of things that other people might not be able to fight off. I'm going to look our diet from this perspective. I can continue to be careful about what things I buy and eat, but there's really no reason to be as uptight about it. My stress level has been considerably higher than usual because of all this, and stress is not part of good health. Moderation.

I had a couple of vegan peanut butter cookies today. I hadn't eaten all day, I was starving, and I ate them. And I went to the grocery store and bough fresh berries and an Amy's organic pizza (roasted vegetables, no cheese) and it was GOOD. And I ENJOYED it. First time in a while. And it was reasonable. I never thought I'd get to the point that I felt reckless eating blackberries. But there I was. It's not good for Topie for me to be losing weight this quickly. I have to think of that first.

The yeast thing...I don't know. I can wait till I'm done nursing I guess. It's an unsustainably strict diet. It's not safe for a breastfeeding mother. I go way too long without eating, and that needs to stop.

Anyway. I'll still pay attention, and I'll still be careful. I want to avoid as many toxic foods and products as I can, but I'm going to stop being so self-righteous about it. I'm finding that I'm way too critical of people who aren't so fastidious as I am, and that's just ridiculous.

I'm not going to let myself or my family get to the point that we are just like the average american, but since we ARE in fact americans, I suppose there's no avoiding a lot of it. Julie was telling me today about an online group she was in, where it got to the point that they were like, What are we going to ban today? That's how I feel. If it's not an article about carcinogenic soft drinks, it's an article about carcinogenic air. You can't avoid it all. Perhaps the small choices we make will be enough.

My thoughts are disorganized today. Probably the sugar I had earlier fucked me up. I feel weird.

(no subject)

organic-gift-shop.com seems like a great place to buy stuff. I just got Topie four toys, and now I feel better. I knew I was saving that money for something.

Item Qty Description Options Price Total
haba "max" baby grasping toy $11.99
haba fit-together building blocks, small set $28.99
whale rollie animal - whale $4.99
haba triola $11.99
Subtotal $57.96
Shipping $5.95
Total $63.91

Maybe now I can sleep.

(no subject)

I got the shittiest night's sleep last night. This caused me to stay in bed until NOON, even though I went to bed at 2:00.

This morning Jake (the good, healthy one) got up at the crack of dawn and went to the gym to run on the treadmill, and when he got back, I was awake feeding Topie. So we stayed in bed for a little while talking, and then I had the foggy memory that he had an early meeting today, so when I asked him, he jumped up, looked at the clock, made some exclamation of something other than delight, got dressed, and tok off, all in about three seconds. It was a spectacle. I remember him saying something like, We may HAVE to move to Canada now.

See, my goal in life has always been to be so insignificant and unimportant that I don't have places to be at set times, especially when it's related to work and responsibility. Topie accomodates this goal. I am successful.

There's this stupid commercial on the radio these days talking about how great food stamps are for the community. To this I say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH.

(no subject)

Okay, so I vaccuumed. Not the whole apartment, but most of it. Then the power went out, and now that it's back on I haven't bothered to finish. Still, it's an improvement.

Topaz is getting harder and harder to keep entertained. I can't wait till her toys get here. I'm starting to feel like a bad mother, needing props to get through the day. Pathetic? Normal? No idea.