Jun. 17th, 2010

valancystirling: (Default)
Things tend to get lost in facebook, all the interesting discussions and topics that I never think to discuss over here. This one is especially relevant to my life lately and I want to have it here to address further.

In response to this article:


I definitely do agree that it's one thing to tell yourself you're being moderate with the not-strictly-necessary time on the computer, but it's another thing when someone observing you says, HEY, do you realize you were on there a really long time? So yeah, I get the time warp thing, and I know that sometimes Topaz has come over to me irritated about it, and then I get off the computer.

It's probably different for someone who (you're going to love my wording here, I'm sure) gets to go to work during the week. For someone who's here with the kids literally 24/7 it's just a different experience, plain and simple. Maybe it's true, I don't value every second with my kids because I'm with them constantly with absolutely no promise of time alone or any form of a real break any time in the foreseeable future. My entire life happens in front of them. They don't go to bed at a reasonable time since we started this moving around crap, and with being pregnant and tired, I sleep when they sleep. There is no happy adult time for me, ever. No, really. EVER. I live, in their midst. They see happy productive mom churning out lovely things in the kitchen, knitting them nice things, sitting down and drawing with them. They see housework and are included in it. They also see me melt down, and want my own space, they see me check my email repeatedly because lord help me I need communication with someone who is not 4. Perhaps working moms don't think so much about this because adult conversation happens at work whether you notice or value it or not. I say this same thing to Jake about his own experience and how it differs from my own. He talks to people all day incidentally, and apparently doesn't value it but takes it for granted. I have pretty much none of that EXCEPT online or the odd phone call to my mom which never lasts more than a few minutes because the kids don't allow me to be on the phone.

I'm just saying this is survival. We all do it differently. I don't think my way is necessarily optimal, but I accept it for what it is. I don't get to go to school, and if they see me with a book in my hand it's open season to grab it and run because somehow anything that is NOT an expensive device is acceptable to run around with laughing and taunting me with. So no textbooks for me. I get what I can online because at least they respect technology, or my lecturing them that mommy can't afford to replace that thing if you destroy it, and then mommy will die.

I have a grown up brain and it needs stimulation. Strangely, I don't get all my human needs met by my constant time with my kids. Jake works long hours and gets home late, and he's tired. We don't get to talk that much lately. What am I supposed to do? I know for a fact I am not alone in this. Stay at home moms have it rough sometimes.
valancystirling: (Default)
One perk to going to Houston on a monthly basis is that we can load up on healthy foods and bring them back, making life HERE better too. Of course, we could go to Dallas much more quickly, but I'm really trying to justify this crazy plan. Also, doesn't it make sense that since I get to see my mom so rarely in general, that I would take advantage of my current proximity and visit frequently? Yeah. There's no way to justify using that much gas.

I do want to say that yeah, I'm online too much. I'm always thinking of things I want to find answers to, and with our current lifestyle, there are so many things I just need to FIND. Still half-assedly looking for an apartment here, still trying to find classes that are the right age for Topie that start in the summer, not the fall. Still trying to find food sources. How else do you do that stuff but with the internet? But yeah. I engage in too many discussions on facebook. I think without them my brain would shrivel up and die. So I have no regrets. I don't know what to do with the kids, but you know, they're kids, and they find things to do. They always seem to have something going on, which boggles my mind given their lack of what I would consider play materials. They draw and color and sing and do silly games they make up. it's true life is not normal for us right now, but as we learn on nature documentaries, life endures, and finds a way. No, we're not baking cookies and smelling the minty wind in our backyard. No, we're not eating beautiful meals with local produce and meeting friends at the park. No, we're not doing anything that feels normal to any of us. But here we are, still living, and we still laugh every single day. I'm not focusing on teaching the kids anything specific, but they are still learning.

Another thing I've been thinking about, and haven't had a chance to ask Jake about, is recent assertion that perhaps I have been sucked into the green propaganda and am not as critical of it as I claim to be about everything in general. I don't believe that's true, largely because I find myself ranting at greenwashing campaigns, and people's gullibility and eagerness to buy into anything that is trendy. I don't buy a lot of "green" products. I have some Kleen Kanteens that we bought years ago. I still use Jake's cloth shopping bags that he had way before I met him. I don't buy much at all, really. When our household has a need, like we're going to need some new pillows soon, I will choose the healthiest and most ecologically and socially sound pillows we can afford. But beyond that, I have no idea what hype I have been brainwashed by. Mostly I am too much of a purist to buy anything that's advertised. Stuff I want is typically NOT advertised. As for ideas, well, who knows. I do err on the side of caution in general. I believe that just because we don't know the evils of something yet, that doesn't mean we won't find out next week. So i don't use plastic. I adapt my life and thinking to research, that blasted, ever-changing research. I sift through and figure out what I am going to believe and what I am comfortable with. And then I just do it and move on to the next thing. I believe our modern lives are inundated with things that are not good for us--ideas as well as tangible things. I live with a high degree of skepticism. However, since I am not trained in science, I rely more on my own judgment and research and talking to Jake who IS trained in science, to come to conclusions that I feel okay about. I'm wondering, where along the way did I get brainwashed?

Whatever. It's good to reevaluate one's thinking now and then.


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