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Whoa. For some reason I looked back in my journal to see what I was up to a year ago, and WTF?

It's really something that things can turn around so completely in such a short space of time.

I can't imagine feeling that out of control and unhappy now. It seems like a million miles ago. What would I do without my Jake???

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I just watched Dogville. What a fucking exhausting movie. I swear, if it had ended any other way than it did, I would have had to kill myself on the spot.

I really had no idea what the movie was about, but I'd heard that it was an absolute must-see. Well, maybe. I loved the ultimate point of it, but it was still painful to go through it. I suppose THAT was the point.

Ugh. Way too much to absorb. I'm trying to decide if the ending was worth it. I suppose it wouldn't mean anything without the whole movie leading up to it. These analyses of human nature are both fascinating and horrifying to me. But then human nature ITSELF is both interesting and horrifying.

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So now I can say that I have carried a baby to term, all by myself.

Today was my estimated due date. It is also Jake's mom's birthday. It's beautiful and warm outside. A good day to have a baby perhaps?

This is actually really annoying. For this whole time I've assumed I would have the baby at least a week late, probably two. I got that firmly stuck in my head to postpone this kind of IS TODAY THE DAY syndrome. Instead, we've been on the edge of our seats for the past three weeks since they consider 37 weeks full-term apparently. What happened to make me forget?

There is definitely a part of me that is not in any hurry to become unpregnant. I've loved being pregnant. Especially now when it's so obvious I'm not just really fat. I have the most comfortable clothes I've ever had, I get actual POSITIVE attention from people everywhere I go, and I feel GOOD. What's not to love? I get a huge kick out of feeling the baby squirming around, and poking at her to get a response, and seeing my huge tummy. It's all just so cool to me.

So really, I'm not in any big hurry here, it's just hard not to feel that Day Before Christmas feeling every day now.

Anyway, I have this stack of tiny diapers that she's going to outgrow if she stays in much longer. In my mind that would be a huge tragedy.

I think it's time for Dunkin Donuts coffee.

(no subject)

I have had a thoroughly enjoyable day. The weather was fabulous, my energy level was high, and I went shopping. Bought about five baby loungy outfits because Jake seems to be unable to yell at me for freaking adorable baby purchases. Probably he will develop the ability fairly soon, but for now! It almost never occurs to me to buy anything for myself anymore. Maybe I'll be just like my mother. She was always like that. Anytime she ever got any money she spent it on my sister and me. Even her birthday and Christmas money, any gift certificates she ever got...I can understand that now. Little things are generally cuter than big things. It is cosmically decreed.

Anyway. Went to Starbucks and had iced coffee on the patio. Picked up Jake's mom's birthday cake. Bought toothpaste and lip balm (only it turned out to be a really scary color and I look like half of Two Clearly Insane People).

My mom thinks my soaring energy level and mood are an indicator of imminent birth. We'll see.

Jake called to tell me someone at work said if I feel a burst of energy and want to move furniture, don't. Okay.

I have forgotten to pay rent the past three days. I had BETTER remember to drop it in the box on my way out tonight. Dammit!