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May. 10th, 2006 10:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valancystirlingI think my brain is trying to sabotage me. I really do.
Things must be going really well because I'm feeling the little imp on my shoulder whispering to me to stir up some trouble.
I hate that I attack Jake about fifty times a day for pretty much nothing. I am perfectly aware that I am turning into my dad. All the stupid horrible pointless ways he fucked up our family...I'm doing the same thing. That hardly makes me feel enthusiastic about the future, if that's what I'm going to live out. I have to stop it.
My mom cautions me about being too vocal about my feelings about my midwife, since this town is so small and word gets around. I'm just going to keep my thoughts to myself, because it makes no difference anyway.
Why do I feel so lost and alone? When I feel like this, the first thing I do is think about how things might have gone if I'd made different choices, taken a different fork in the road. I play out these flimsy scripts over and over of what life might have been like had I chosen California over Massachusetts, for example. Or if I'd never left Texas. Or if Jake had lost my phone number that first night Grainne and I met him at Someday. Or if I had never met Corey. Or if my parents had never split up. Or or or or or. What if?
It's not that I'm UNhappy, it's just that I can't figure anything out. Everything feels just like a giant puzzle that I've just finished, except there's one piece missing from the box. And so I'm looking at the beautiful puzzle that's all done, but all I can see is the gaping hole where that piece is supposed to be. The picture is ruined. I can't see past it. Where do I get that missing piece? I'll just call the manufacturer and tell him that the piece with two legs that's six over from the top left corner is missing and could they please send a replacement, thanks.
Somehow I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, with the right person, doing the right thing (whatever that is), so why am I suddenly questioning everything? Is this life too crowded? Sometimes I feel like I should be totally alone, in a dark cave, where no one can ever find me. And oddly, Jake fits nicely into that picture. Not too conspicuous, not too loud, not too anything. But other times...even a mouse would be too much company. Even my shadow on the wall.
Enough of this. Doctor's appointment in a couple of hours. I hope we don't get sick just being there.
Things must be going really well because I'm feeling the little imp on my shoulder whispering to me to stir up some trouble.
I hate that I attack Jake about fifty times a day for pretty much nothing. I am perfectly aware that I am turning into my dad. All the stupid horrible pointless ways he fucked up our family...I'm doing the same thing. That hardly makes me feel enthusiastic about the future, if that's what I'm going to live out. I have to stop it.
My mom cautions me about being too vocal about my feelings about my midwife, since this town is so small and word gets around. I'm just going to keep my thoughts to myself, because it makes no difference anyway.
Why do I feel so lost and alone? When I feel like this, the first thing I do is think about how things might have gone if I'd made different choices, taken a different fork in the road. I play out these flimsy scripts over and over of what life might have been like had I chosen California over Massachusetts, for example. Or if I'd never left Texas. Or if Jake had lost my phone number that first night Grainne and I met him at Someday. Or if I had never met Corey. Or if my parents had never split up. Or or or or or. What if?
It's not that I'm UNhappy, it's just that I can't figure anything out. Everything feels just like a giant puzzle that I've just finished, except there's one piece missing from the box. And so I'm looking at the beautiful puzzle that's all done, but all I can see is the gaping hole where that piece is supposed to be. The picture is ruined. I can't see past it. Where do I get that missing piece? I'll just call the manufacturer and tell him that the piece with two legs that's six over from the top left corner is missing and could they please send a replacement, thanks.
Somehow I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, with the right person, doing the right thing (whatever that is), so why am I suddenly questioning everything? Is this life too crowded? Sometimes I feel like I should be totally alone, in a dark cave, where no one can ever find me. And oddly, Jake fits nicely into that picture. Not too conspicuous, not too loud, not too anything. But other times...even a mouse would be too much company. Even my shadow on the wall.
Enough of this. Doctor's appointment in a couple of hours. I hope we don't get sick just being there.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-10 03:30 pm (UTC)Maybe you just need a goal. Nothing huge, just something to work towards so you don't feel like you're just free floating. Something like planning and planting a flower box. Or getting a box of crap together and saying "I will sell all of this on ebay." You know, something that you can do with Topie around, that isn't a big deal to get done on a schedule, but that you can work towards.
While school is really crazy for me, I don't know what I'd do without it. Having all kinds of crap I need to work towards all the time keeps me somewhat sane in an insane way. It'd be nice if it were something a little less time consuming, or that I could do with B, but I definately always need some kind of thing out there I'm working towards, or I freak out. I think that's why I like summer school, too. Keeps me [overly] busy.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-10 04:25 pm (UTC)Wtf is she talking about?