Jan. 18th, 2010

valancystirling: (Default)
I've been thinking about how I've had a bad habit of looking either backward or way forward, and not so much in my present. I mean, I spent a lot of years looking over my shoulder regretfully or analytically, and then I sort of stopped doing that as much and have spent the last several years looking ahead to whatever it is I'm waiting for to make me happy or content or whatever. I think some of that is okay, it's always good to think about your ideal life and do what you can to make it happen, but as a constant lifestyle? I've been in limbo far too long, and to some extent it's just because I don't really know how to live in the now. Yes, I can make the best of circumstances, but I haven't put down roots, and I never live just to live for today. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not getting as much out of life as I might if I started paying more attention to right now.

I also see all the progress I make, and everything I've built in the last few years as somewhat of a waste because it will all disappear when we move and we'll start from scratch with no record and no evidence of anything. But I think that's not the right way to look at it. Certainly I've learned a ton in the last few years, and it will be much easier to recreate it someplace than it would be to start all over from nothing.

I told Jake last week that when I think about packing stuff for the kids on these contract jobs, I don't worry much because our kids think of US as home. I was thinking, what can I take with us that will simulate/create HOME for the kids. And I thought about parents who talk about laying their baby down with the mom's shirt because it smells like mom and is comforting. We have never had to do anything like that because we are always there with them. My kids don't seem to have any real attachments to anything, no blankie or favorite toy or doll or anything. They just don't seem to need it. They are happy with whatever they have at the moment, and they have us. It always comes down to that: they have us.

But what about for me? What is home to me? Yes, it's my family. And I wonder how far that would carry me. I am definitely a person who enjoys comforts and familiar things around me. So what symbolizes home to me?

Certainly a lot of my kitchen stuff is important to my sense of well-being.

We don't have anything on our walls and I'm not much for knickknacks or decorating in general. Our house is just stuff we use mostly.

So I don't know. I'm kind of thinking I could create home for myself with a carload of stuff from Target if it came right down to it. Stuff for cooking, some rugs, a dinner table, a comfortable place to sit, blankets and pillows. All this makes me sound kind of low-maintenance, but I'm sure that's not totally accurate. Or maybe I just have the wrong idea about myself and I need less than I imagine I do.

I'm thinking in terms of, if I left here with the clothes on my back, what would I feel compelled to buy first? Knitting stuff, cooking/dining stuff, toiletries, clothes, food.

So maybe this is not so difficult after all.


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December 2010

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