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spoothbrush's last post on absurdism has got me thinking. It occurred to me that while I knew what absurdism was, I have been outside of such circles as would discuss such abstractions for a long enough time as to have very little immediate grasp of the concept. This is the case with pretty much all academic ideas. I realised it has been over 5 years since I set foot in a classroom, and my thoughts are far more concrete than abstract as a result. The topics that used to fascinate me and inspire countless hours of poring through textbooks and academic writings, now seem to me as far-off and impractical as I once considered marriage to be.
It is difficult for me to accept the fact that my life has taken a decidedly different turn from what I initially envisioned. I can't deal with the idea that I really can't carry on an intelligent conversation with anyone immersed in academia. (A particular shame considering the family I've married into) I used to get into passionate discussions on all sorts of literary topics; now I just feel like that passion has no outlet whatsoever. I am struck daily by how much I simply do not know. Sure, I know enough to get by in my own life, but really, what does my own life actually consist of? Not a hell of a lot. An idiot could do it. Well, Jake probably wouldn't go for an idiot, but still.
And that brings to me to the topic of self-motivation. This has been nagging at me for a while. When I was growing up, I seemed to have an endless well of inspiration. I was inclined largely toward solitude--still am--and needed very little external push to motivate me to do anything. I would take advantage of my summer vacations to write independent research papers, or stories, or whatever came into my head. At the end of my first grade year, I asked my teacher to give me second grade assignments to work on during the summer. I remember she sent me home with this massive stach of worksheets, and I did them all. I LOVED it. Since many of my friends were a year ahead of me, I would ask them what writing assignments to expect, and would do them before the year even started. When I was home schooled during junior high and some of high school, my parents basically shoved a stack of books at me and after that took no notice of whether or not I even looked at them. I did all my work for the whole year in only a few months, completed all my writing assignments though there was no one to even read them, and passed with all A's completely on my own. My sister never bothered to do any of her work and never graduated from high school.
So where is that internal drive now? Where is that desire to succeed, the focus and attention span? Why did I not need anyone to tell me what to do? And why do I not do anything of my own volition now?
In some ways I guess I'm just disappointed with life. I know that's unreasonable because looking back, every choice I ever made points to where I am now. It wasn't anyone else's fault. I just burnt out. I have no idea why. It never mattered to me before whether or not my parents took any notice of my academic accomplishments. But in my first and only semester of college, it suddenly mattered more than anything. I made dean's list and no one cared. My ambition fizzled out and my perhaps juvenile glimpse of "the real world" crushed my spirit. I knew I was done for with my very first job.
The really amazing thing about the world is that even though people think it's an oversimplification, high school really is a microcosm of the rest of the world. It's all the same. Temp jobs are exactly the same as professional jobs paying $100K a year. Because it's all about people. The dynamics don't change whether those people are loaded down with degrees or are right out of high school. We're all just people.
And I took it to heart with that very first job, and probably as the culmination of my entire academic career, that no matter how hard I worked, how much I cared or how sincere I was, it would never get me anywhere. I may or may not have a lot of "gifts" but it's all for nothing if you don't have the necessary grit to rise above it all and make something of them. I watched my dad work hard all his life and end up with nothing. I saw my grandfather work hard and end up being taken for all he was worth. Sincere, hard-working people are not the ones who float to the top. According to my own observations, anyway. I could be wrong. My experience is admittedly not as broad as I would like.
Regardless, it continues to pain me that I have let my brain fall to such stagnation. I look at other people who are clearly stupider than I, and I envy them because they don't know it. And they will climb all the way to the top because they have the right personality or the right people skills or the right connections. And they will take credit for the hard work of people they have stepped on, and they will be called heroes.
I believe I'll just stay home.
spoothbrush's last post on absurdism has got me thinking. It occurred to me that while I knew what absurdism was, I have been outside of such circles as would discuss such abstractions for a long enough time as to have very little immediate grasp of the concept. This is the case with pretty much all academic ideas. I realised it has been over 5 years since I set foot in a classroom, and my thoughts are far more concrete than abstract as a result. The topics that used to fascinate me and inspire countless hours of poring through textbooks and academic writings, now seem to me as far-off and impractical as I once considered marriage to be. It is difficult for me to accept the fact that my life has taken a decidedly different turn from what I initially envisioned. I can't deal with the idea that I really can't carry on an intelligent conversation with anyone immersed in academia. (A particular shame considering the family I've married into) I used to get into passionate discussions on all sorts of literary topics; now I just feel like that passion has no outlet whatsoever. I am struck daily by how much I simply do not know. Sure, I know enough to get by in my own life, but really, what does my own life actually consist of? Not a hell of a lot. An idiot could do it. Well, Jake probably wouldn't go for an idiot, but still.
And that brings to me to the topic of self-motivation. This has been nagging at me for a while. When I was growing up, I seemed to have an endless well of inspiration. I was inclined largely toward solitude--still am--and needed very little external push to motivate me to do anything. I would take advantage of my summer vacations to write independent research papers, or stories, or whatever came into my head. At the end of my first grade year, I asked my teacher to give me second grade assignments to work on during the summer. I remember she sent me home with this massive stach of worksheets, and I did them all. I LOVED it. Since many of my friends were a year ahead of me, I would ask them what writing assignments to expect, and would do them before the year even started. When I was home schooled during junior high and some of high school, my parents basically shoved a stack of books at me and after that took no notice of whether or not I even looked at them. I did all my work for the whole year in only a few months, completed all my writing assignments though there was no one to even read them, and passed with all A's completely on my own. My sister never bothered to do any of her work and never graduated from high school.
So where is that internal drive now? Where is that desire to succeed, the focus and attention span? Why did I not need anyone to tell me what to do? And why do I not do anything of my own volition now?
In some ways I guess I'm just disappointed with life. I know that's unreasonable because looking back, every choice I ever made points to where I am now. It wasn't anyone else's fault. I just burnt out. I have no idea why. It never mattered to me before whether or not my parents took any notice of my academic accomplishments. But in my first and only semester of college, it suddenly mattered more than anything. I made dean's list and no one cared. My ambition fizzled out and my perhaps juvenile glimpse of "the real world" crushed my spirit. I knew I was done for with my very first job.
The really amazing thing about the world is that even though people think it's an oversimplification, high school really is a microcosm of the rest of the world. It's all the same. Temp jobs are exactly the same as professional jobs paying $100K a year. Because it's all about people. The dynamics don't change whether those people are loaded down with degrees or are right out of high school. We're all just people.
And I took it to heart with that very first job, and probably as the culmination of my entire academic career, that no matter how hard I worked, how much I cared or how sincere I was, it would never get me anywhere. I may or may not have a lot of "gifts" but it's all for nothing if you don't have the necessary grit to rise above it all and make something of them. I watched my dad work hard all his life and end up with nothing. I saw my grandfather work hard and end up being taken for all he was worth. Sincere, hard-working people are not the ones who float to the top. According to my own observations, anyway. I could be wrong. My experience is admittedly not as broad as I would like.
Regardless, it continues to pain me that I have let my brain fall to such stagnation. I look at other people who are clearly stupider than I, and I envy them because they don't know it. And they will climb all the way to the top because they have the right personality or the right people skills or the right connections. And they will take credit for the hard work of people they have stepped on, and they will be called heroes.
I believe I'll just stay home.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-14 06:54 pm (UTC)Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat! You really need to watch Good Will Hunting again..
no subject
Date: 2005-04-14 07:02 pm (UTC)What is it about me that makes me want to be more than a rat? Or if that's not an option, then not to race at all?
Thinking about it all makes me very sleepy and makes me glad I don't know more about the world than I already do.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-14 08:37 pm (UTC)I think being more than a rat is an excellent ambition; furthermore I suspect not racing is probably the right way to achieve it :)
no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 03:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 04:42 pm (UTC)I've always thought that the more degrees/doctorates a person has, the more satisfying it is to make them look stupid/confused/scared. Although, to be honest, the ones with the PhDs are often the ones who are already so far off the deep end that they won't realise they just advocated moving Hawaii to the coast of Maine until they're just falling asleep.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 04:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 04:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 04:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 06:00 pm (UTC)She goes on and on about how she played Donna Summers to him in utero, and all these things she did to encourage him to be gay...it was just freaking hilarious.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 04:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-15 05:00 pm (UTC)