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Apr. 15th, 2005 12:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valancystirlingTayor always thinks of things I miss. Since writing that last over-the-top post, I've been trying to figure out how to go about making myself feel more equal and deserving of intelligent company.
The first thought I had was to just go back to school. Now, I realise the timing for that is not the best, what with my current state of incubation. Although realistically, if I told Jake I want to go back this fall, he'd probably go for it. BUT, and you knew there was a but, to be perfectly and entirely honest, the fact that I've been so long out of the world of abstract thought, where we study topics so pertinent to everyday life and human survival as post-modernism and literary imagery that it all seems rather absurd to me now. While there is definitely a neglected part of my brain that gets all excited when asked to analyze the symbolism in a piece of literature, which couldn't possibly benefit my immediate existence in any real way, it doesn't know how to stand up to the more pragmatic side of my brain which has dominated my life since leaving school.
The question is, could I get myself to feel the same passion I once felt for picking books apart, instead of merely reading them for pleasure? I am trying to remember if the picking apart ever made the book any more wonderful or meaningful to me, or if it just slowed down my enjoyment of reading it straight through without giving it much conscious thought?
Because honestly, the only thing I've EVER cared about enough to actually study is literature. I always thought I was born to be an English major, though it probably does not seem apparent to anyone but myself at this point.
So to recap, I cannot decide at this point whether or not my enjoyment of literature is enhanced by breaking it apart word by word and analyzing the hell out of it.
Perhaps taking a lit class would help me remember.
***
The second option currently presented to me is to learn the subtle art of conversation manipulation. I've certainly experienced it from the other perspective, with people who are (now that I've seen the light on this matter) every bit as insecure as myself and just better able to steer conversation to their own personal "safety zones" wherein they reign supreme because they feel confident and well-versed.
But really, I'm having a hard time thinking of my own conversational safety zones. I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I feel like my experience--or lack of?--limits me tremendously in the scope of my available topics. I could talk about knitting, which is no doubt fascinating to everyone. I mean, really, what have I done/thought/experienced in my life which is so damned interesting that I can feel guaranteed to steer the conversation toward it? Perhaps I am a truly remarkable person with astounding insights, but I have no awareness of it, and so it is useless. In reality, I think I'm a pretty mediocre person, possibly with delusions of grandeur of some kind, and far better off keeping my mouth shut and simply listening to people who know more than I do.
Which leads me to the third option, which I have learned to rely on the past few years. This is nearly impossible to achieve when it is only myself and one other person, though I do attempt it occasionally, but it works amazingly well in larger parties of at least two other persons. Keep in mind I am not making a confession of a particular "strategy" I employ to make myself appear more intelligent than I actually am, but I find I learn so much from people when I shut up and listen to them. All too often, people who have a lot to say...want to say it. And so long as the conversation is not offensive to me (or is at least entertainingly so) I am quite content to sit back and just listen, whilst creatively throwing in such facial expressions and body language and sound effects as to make myself appear and actually BE quite engaged in the conversation despite the fact that I am not even talking. I don't want this to sound like I am some sycophantic moron who has mastered the art of the "smile and nod" which is certainly not the case. More, I find that when this is the only contribution I am qualified to make in a conversation of--for me--unfamiliar territory, it is highly appropriate. What is that lovely saying? Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. (Mark Twain)
Although it IS important to note that this is not always possible, and is largely contingent on the temperaments of the person you are having the conversation with. I have frequently encountered people who seem gleeful in identifying and exploiting weakness--or what they perceive as weakness--and "exposing" ignorance. I find it very difficult to talk to people like this because they constantly direct the discussion to subjects where they clearly dominate, for no other reason than to see me squirm. I'm not sure if this is insecurity on their part, or just some delightful character quirk designed to make other people feel like idiots. In dealing with this type of person, I too often make the mistake of opening my mouth, and generally something very idiot-like will come out. It is best not to let people get under your skin, lest you lose control of yourself. This is a lesson I am slow in learning.
So, I suppose as in most things, there is not one solution, but a combination of solutions that each have their place. I don't think much harm could come of my taking a class or two for some intellectual stimulation. But the fact remains that no matter what my scholarly ambitions once were, I have become too jaded by what I see as "the real world" to have the same passion about higher education. Conversely, with a little work perhaps I could convince myself that higher education is a reliable way of stepping OUT of that "real world" and pretending it isn't there. I think in the very beginning, that was my way of looking at it. I wanted to lose myself in abstract thought and stop being myself but something else, something much bigger or much smaller depending on how you think of it.
The first thought I had was to just go back to school. Now, I realise the timing for that is not the best, what with my current state of incubation. Although realistically, if I told Jake I want to go back this fall, he'd probably go for it. BUT, and you knew there was a but, to be perfectly and entirely honest, the fact that I've been so long out of the world of abstract thought, where we study topics so pertinent to everyday life and human survival as post-modernism and literary imagery that it all seems rather absurd to me now. While there is definitely a neglected part of my brain that gets all excited when asked to analyze the symbolism in a piece of literature, which couldn't possibly benefit my immediate existence in any real way, it doesn't know how to stand up to the more pragmatic side of my brain which has dominated my life since leaving school.
The question is, could I get myself to feel the same passion I once felt for picking books apart, instead of merely reading them for pleasure? I am trying to remember if the picking apart ever made the book any more wonderful or meaningful to me, or if it just slowed down my enjoyment of reading it straight through without giving it much conscious thought?
Because honestly, the only thing I've EVER cared about enough to actually study is literature. I always thought I was born to be an English major, though it probably does not seem apparent to anyone but myself at this point.
So to recap, I cannot decide at this point whether or not my enjoyment of literature is enhanced by breaking it apart word by word and analyzing the hell out of it.
Perhaps taking a lit class would help me remember.
***
The second option currently presented to me is to learn the subtle art of conversation manipulation. I've certainly experienced it from the other perspective, with people who are (now that I've seen the light on this matter) every bit as insecure as myself and just better able to steer conversation to their own personal "safety zones" wherein they reign supreme because they feel confident and well-versed.
But really, I'm having a hard time thinking of my own conversational safety zones. I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I feel like my experience--or lack of?--limits me tremendously in the scope of my available topics. I could talk about knitting, which is no doubt fascinating to everyone. I mean, really, what have I done/thought/experienced in my life which is so damned interesting that I can feel guaranteed to steer the conversation toward it? Perhaps I am a truly remarkable person with astounding insights, but I have no awareness of it, and so it is useless. In reality, I think I'm a pretty mediocre person, possibly with delusions of grandeur of some kind, and far better off keeping my mouth shut and simply listening to people who know more than I do.
Which leads me to the third option, which I have learned to rely on the past few years. This is nearly impossible to achieve when it is only myself and one other person, though I do attempt it occasionally, but it works amazingly well in larger parties of at least two other persons. Keep in mind I am not making a confession of a particular "strategy" I employ to make myself appear more intelligent than I actually am, but I find I learn so much from people when I shut up and listen to them. All too often, people who have a lot to say...want to say it. And so long as the conversation is not offensive to me (or is at least entertainingly so) I am quite content to sit back and just listen, whilst creatively throwing in such facial expressions and body language and sound effects as to make myself appear and actually BE quite engaged in the conversation despite the fact that I am not even talking. I don't want this to sound like I am some sycophantic moron who has mastered the art of the "smile and nod" which is certainly not the case. More, I find that when this is the only contribution I am qualified to make in a conversation of--for me--unfamiliar territory, it is highly appropriate. What is that lovely saying? Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. (Mark Twain)
Although it IS important to note that this is not always possible, and is largely contingent on the temperaments of the person you are having the conversation with. I have frequently encountered people who seem gleeful in identifying and exploiting weakness--or what they perceive as weakness--and "exposing" ignorance. I find it very difficult to talk to people like this because they constantly direct the discussion to subjects where they clearly dominate, for no other reason than to see me squirm. I'm not sure if this is insecurity on their part, or just some delightful character quirk designed to make other people feel like idiots. In dealing with this type of person, I too often make the mistake of opening my mouth, and generally something very idiot-like will come out. It is best not to let people get under your skin, lest you lose control of yourself. This is a lesson I am slow in learning.
So, I suppose as in most things, there is not one solution, but a combination of solutions that each have their place. I don't think much harm could come of my taking a class or two for some intellectual stimulation. But the fact remains that no matter what my scholarly ambitions once were, I have become too jaded by what I see as "the real world" to have the same passion about higher education. Conversely, with a little work perhaps I could convince myself that higher education is a reliable way of stepping OUT of that "real world" and pretending it isn't there. I think in the very beginning, that was my way of looking at it. I wanted to lose myself in abstract thought and stop being myself but something else, something much bigger or much smaller depending on how you think of it.
