valancystirling | (no subject)

As of tomorrow I'm 38 weeks and that means I have a 4 week window of opportunity here. Within four weeks I will be unpregnant.

I slept late, took a shower, made a small to-do list of things I might actually do, set out a cup of tea to steep, and then went out to walk up to the mailbox and the office to put money in my laundry card. It's not that far to walk, but it's mostly uphill, and I was out of breath practically as soon as I walked out the door. I was ALMOST to the mail box when Madge drives by, on her way in. Without a moment's hesitation she asks if I'll hop in and take her car to fill it up with gas. Sure. So we go do that, and I park her car in her usual spot. This puts me at square one for my walk up the hill, so I got to walk up twice. It's probably good though, because I haven't been walking enough lately, and it's nice and cool out, and walking is known to help jiggle babies into place. So there you go. However, when I got back, my tea was cold.

My mom is 43 years old today. I called her when I got up and she was already crying. She wants us to make a t-shirt that she can wear on special occasions that says I Release You from Your Obligation of Fakeness. There is nothing less tolerable than people who don't give a shit about you, choosing for some bizarre reason to pretend that they do, but only in a particularly hurtful way that indicates they think you're too stupid to notice. My mom is very sensitive to such things, having dealt with it from SO many people her entire life. I'm going to make sure she has a nice relaxing time when she's up here. She could really use a break from all the bullshit in her life right now. Between my stepdad's job, and my sister's dramatic existence, and the constant fear of a repeat break-in while she's home alone (there was another attempt the other night) my mom is headed for a nervous breakdown. I keep trying to convince her to come up here now instead of two weeks from now, but she insists she has a lot to take care of before she comes. I hope she makes it till then.

As for my sister, there is never a dull moment. It's far too insane for me to even properly think about, but I'll just say that everytime I learn some new detail about her life or her past, I find myself detaching just that much more. I don't know why I'm so sensitive, but when it comes to my little sister, I have virgin ears, and I don't want to know anything more about her because it always upsets me. I can feel sorry that her life has turned out like shit, but I can also feel massive annoyance that she allows it and perpetuates it. I know there are people out there who claim to be miserable but who really thrive on drama and bullshit and lies and constant tension, and she appears to be one of them. She and her husband and Corey are all alike. And nothing my mom or I could ever do or say will improve anything. Unfortunately, though my mom realises this on some level, she still feels total obligation to stick around and be available for my sister at all times. I keep pointing out how much like Corey my sister is, and how they never really try very hard at life because they know mommy will always be there to forgive and pick up the pieces. It's not doing either of them any favors. My mom needs to detach herself just a bit, get on with her own life, and recognize that my sister is a grown woman with a family of her own, and she needs to be forced to take responsibility. I think it's terribly unhealthy to have that kind of assured safety net always there for you. What motivation do you have to do anything on your own?

Anyway. Finally getting baby laundry done today, so that's a relief. I'm not going to do it all, just what I need for the first week or so.

My midwife gave me books and tapes to occupy my empty head this week. Now I will learn about hypnobirthing, and whatever is on these two videos. I have come to enjoy childbirth videos, and Jake has come to dread them. No sooner do I turn the TV on, I hear the lilting background sounds of Age of Empires on the computer. Ah well. Reality is scary, I suppose.