(no subject)

[valancystirling]

After my dr. appointment yesterday I've been all fucked up. Topie has this thing where she loves to look at herself in the mirror and smile and coo and chat herself up. Which is fine, and cute to watch, and all that. But that also means I've spent a good bit of time looking at myself in the mirror while I'm holding her there. And now all I see is fat, ugly, disgusting morbid obesity of the It-Would-Take-A-Crane-To-Get-You-Out-Of-Your-House variety.

The day I had Topie, I remember looking at myself in the mirror for the first time and thinking/feeling like I was incredibly thin. And I suppose that if you lost 15 pounds in one hour, you might feel the same way. My mom and Jake and I made a joke of it, that I was like the anti-anorexic: I looked in the mirror and all I could see was thin. I didn't KNOW I was fat, someone should really tell her, etc etc etc. It was all very amusing at the time.

Now, though, I just see all that fat, and how flabby I let myself get while I was pregnant, and stretch marks and it's all just disgusting to me. I was starting to look really decent last year, for the first time in a long time, and now it's just all gone down the tubes. I don't really know how to get myself back there. I should at least be going for long walks. I tried to today, with Topie in the sling, but it was so windy, and she started sniffling right away, so I took her back inside. I sometimes consider going to walk in the mall, but I really fucking hate that place. I hate the smell of it, and the people there are just freaks. The whole ordeal usually upsets me on some sort of spiritual level, and I avoid it as much as possible. Tomorrow we're going to the Carousel mall in Syracuse, because it's huge and imminently walkable, and Jake doesn't hate it.

I ran into the midwife's assistant at Wegman's today. She looks just like her daddy! Everyone says that. I'm just the nanny.

In other news, I am probably stuck in Binghamton for the rest of my life.

Comments

[millennialhippy.livejournal.com]

babyblobs are unfortunately reliant on their eyes for indentification until they take a more adult shape. She has her father's eyes, but I'm sure she will look much more like you when she grows! :)

[fi.livejournal.com]

Oh hon. You were feeling fine about yourself until that STUPID COW took verbal pot shots at you. Don't let her get to you. *hugs*

[valancystirling.livejournal.com]

I'm trying not to. I just feel like I'm finally seeing myself the way I really look, and it's not necessarily fun.

[spoothbrush.livejournal.com]

1) I still think that she looks like you when she's happy. Although I haven't seen her in a few weeks.

2) Unless something's changed dramatically since I saw you, you do NOT look fat and disgusting and any of that. I mean this honestly. Probably the biggest change between you pre-baby and you now is what you're wearing, which is much more practical than aesthetic. But when you opened the door to your apartment my initial reaction was "Wow, she looks good."

If you want an indoor place to walk, you can always come down to SUNY and wander around in the academic buildings. I'm not going to claim that it's a) likable or b) not freak-filled, but it's there.

[valancystirling.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I'm definitely dressing like a slob these days. I actually left the house without a bra the other day and then thought...um...whoa.

[aliyna.livejournal.com]

And now all I see is fat, ugly, disgusting morbid obesity of the It-Would-Take-A-Crane-To-Get-You-Out-Of-Your-House variety.

OHBOY. We should make a club or something. Preggos-and-post-preggos-who-look-of-crap.

[valancystirling.livejournal.com]

I think some crap has actually been modeled after me.

I have been telling Jake lately that I wish you and I lived closer together :)

[aliyna.livejournal.com]

Oh I know. :( I'm sorely lacking in crunchy mamas to spend time with. You, and Mary (banana_pancake), and me, and Ashley (loki_quinn) should go make a commune, and we'll have a Whole Foods come and take up residence on the nearest commercial intersection. And Kate can come be our practitioner of not-invasive medicine.