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Feb. 14th, 2006 10:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valancystirlingI've been thinking a lot about parenting lately, and about how we're going to handle certain things as Topaz gets older. I told Jake earlier that I feel like I want to pretty much avoid a majority of what is dominant in our culture: fast food, unhealthy food in general, TV, unwholesome movies, plastic crap, wastefulness, and on and on and on. I want to raise her to eat good food and make healthful choices, but I also don't want her to be the kid who goes to her friends' birthday party and has to take her own food because she's not allowed birthday cake and pizza. I don't want her to be singled out in a negative way, but I do want her to be separated from so much of the crap that surrounds us and makes up the American lifestyle. There aren't going to be any McDonald's birthday parties for her, and she's not going to have piles of loud and obnoxious plastic toys. She's not going to be a 10-year old wearing low-rise jeans and halter tops. There are LOTS of things I am not going to allow her to be part of.
But on the other hand, I know what it's like to BE that kid, on the outside, not allowed to do/have what my friends did/had. I just never fit in because of it. And while I want Topaz to be healthy and conscious of the reasons behind all our rules, I don't want her to be an outcast either. I've given this all so much thought, but I have a long way to go before I have a clue what is really best.
I hate that my own culture is something I detest so passionately. I don't know what the point is of traveling within this country, because it's all the same. Pick a road in any city and it could be the same road and the same city. You'll see a Walmart and a CVS and ten McDonalds and a Wendy's and a bunch of crap and it's just all the same shit. I hate that everything I believe in or stand for is completely contradictory to that of our society at large. Will I one day be called a bad parent because Topaz doesn't have a collection of Happy Meal toys?
As it is now, I already have so many limitations that it's just a matter of time before our families get mad. I choose to cloth diaper, breastfeed exclusively for at least a year and probably much longer, use only natural fibers, no plastic/battery-operated-character-related toys, no pacifiers, attachment parenting, cosleeping, natural bath products. I don't leave her for any longer than it takes to run to the grocery store. I don't rely on plastic parents like swings (except when I'm in the shower) and pacifiers and playpens. I've gotten some flak because I won't "supplement" with formula, won't give her a pacifier, won't leave her with a babysitter, carry her too much, respond to her cries too quickly, and it just goes on. I've cut dairy from my diet because it seems to make Topaz feel much much better. So yes, bring me a cheeseburger and wait for me to die of gratitude.
It's a war. It's just a constant battle with the world at large. If you're not fighting your family, you're fighting perfect strangers who seem to believe they know what's best for your child.
What all of this has led me to conclude, is that reasonable or not, I want to isolate Topaz and all our future kids from as much of the crap and pitfalls of our society. I am thinking that this might be accomplished simply by finding the right school--probably a Waldorf--where her classmates and their parents will be likeminded and understanding. I don't see anything wrong with giving our kids a glimpse of a world that is perhaps less popular than what is mainstream, and surrounding them with people, things, ideas that are more healthy and beneficial. I would love to be able to send Topaz to school with a healthy lunch and know that she's not supplementing it with two Cokes, a bag of chips and Reese's peanut butter cups. I don't want to put them in a position of being treated like freaks, and I think that's far less likely to happen if her classmates have parents who think like we do.
My dad decided to take us out of public school and homeschool us. To this day I don't know how I feel about that, but it's got me thinking. I don't want to homeschool our kids. The only reason I would ever consider it is if I lived in a town that had a large group of homeschooling parents so that our kids could socialize and grow up together. I am not remotely interested in isolating our kids the way my parents isolated us.
There is no Waldorf school here. Apparently there is a Waldorf-inspired school in Ithaca, but I have no idea what that means, and anyway we don't live in Ithaca. So it's important to me that we find a place to live where all of this is possible.
Also, Waldorf schools aren't cheap and I would have to come up with some way to pay for it. With several kids, it's going to be extremely hard to pull off financially. I'm trying to come up with money-making ideas that I can do from home. I have no idea, though. Maybe I'll figure something out.
But there's just so much to consider. I don't want to raise a house full of "stupid Americans." I want my kids to have more sense than the average idiot in this country, and to be exposed to a wide range of ideas and cultures. In Binghamton and in Texas, it's extremely common to meet people who have never left their hometown, have never been to another country, and who base their entire view and concept of the world on their little bubble. I don't want my kids to be like that. I don't want to be like that myself. I think travel is very important, and I'll be thinking about other (cheaper) ways to expose Topaz to the rest of the world.
My head is full. I want to do right by my kids, and not have any regrets that I didn't give them every advantage. I want them to set themselves apart by who they are, not by what they aren't allowed to eat. There must be a very fine line between being a caring parent and being a fanatical paranoid lunatic. But to be honest, I think I would rather be paranoid than just toss my kids out into the world and let them take their chances.
But on the other hand, I know what it's like to BE that kid, on the outside, not allowed to do/have what my friends did/had. I just never fit in because of it. And while I want Topaz to be healthy and conscious of the reasons behind all our rules, I don't want her to be an outcast either. I've given this all so much thought, but I have a long way to go before I have a clue what is really best.
I hate that my own culture is something I detest so passionately. I don't know what the point is of traveling within this country, because it's all the same. Pick a road in any city and it could be the same road and the same city. You'll see a Walmart and a CVS and ten McDonalds and a Wendy's and a bunch of crap and it's just all the same shit. I hate that everything I believe in or stand for is completely contradictory to that of our society at large. Will I one day be called a bad parent because Topaz doesn't have a collection of Happy Meal toys?
As it is now, I already have so many limitations that it's just a matter of time before our families get mad. I choose to cloth diaper, breastfeed exclusively for at least a year and probably much longer, use only natural fibers, no plastic/battery-operated-character-related toys, no pacifiers, attachment parenting, cosleeping, natural bath products. I don't leave her for any longer than it takes to run to the grocery store. I don't rely on plastic parents like swings (except when I'm in the shower) and pacifiers and playpens. I've gotten some flak because I won't "supplement" with formula, won't give her a pacifier, won't leave her with a babysitter, carry her too much, respond to her cries too quickly, and it just goes on. I've cut dairy from my diet because it seems to make Topaz feel much much better. So yes, bring me a cheeseburger and wait for me to die of gratitude.
It's a war. It's just a constant battle with the world at large. If you're not fighting your family, you're fighting perfect strangers who seem to believe they know what's best for your child.
What all of this has led me to conclude, is that reasonable or not, I want to isolate Topaz and all our future kids from as much of the crap and pitfalls of our society. I am thinking that this might be accomplished simply by finding the right school--probably a Waldorf--where her classmates and their parents will be likeminded and understanding. I don't see anything wrong with giving our kids a glimpse of a world that is perhaps less popular than what is mainstream, and surrounding them with people, things, ideas that are more healthy and beneficial. I would love to be able to send Topaz to school with a healthy lunch and know that she's not supplementing it with two Cokes, a bag of chips and Reese's peanut butter cups. I don't want to put them in a position of being treated like freaks, and I think that's far less likely to happen if her classmates have parents who think like we do.
My dad decided to take us out of public school and homeschool us. To this day I don't know how I feel about that, but it's got me thinking. I don't want to homeschool our kids. The only reason I would ever consider it is if I lived in a town that had a large group of homeschooling parents so that our kids could socialize and grow up together. I am not remotely interested in isolating our kids the way my parents isolated us.
There is no Waldorf school here. Apparently there is a Waldorf-inspired school in Ithaca, but I have no idea what that means, and anyway we don't live in Ithaca. So it's important to me that we find a place to live where all of this is possible.
Also, Waldorf schools aren't cheap and I would have to come up with some way to pay for it. With several kids, it's going to be extremely hard to pull off financially. I'm trying to come up with money-making ideas that I can do from home. I have no idea, though. Maybe I'll figure something out.
But there's just so much to consider. I don't want to raise a house full of "stupid Americans." I want my kids to have more sense than the average idiot in this country, and to be exposed to a wide range of ideas and cultures. In Binghamton and in Texas, it's extremely common to meet people who have never left their hometown, have never been to another country, and who base their entire view and concept of the world on their little bubble. I don't want my kids to be like that. I don't want to be like that myself. I think travel is very important, and I'll be thinking about other (cheaper) ways to expose Topaz to the rest of the world.
My head is full. I want to do right by my kids, and not have any regrets that I didn't give them every advantage. I want them to set themselves apart by who they are, not by what they aren't allowed to eat. There must be a very fine line between being a caring parent and being a fanatical paranoid lunatic. But to be honest, I think I would rather be paranoid than just toss my kids out into the world and let them take their chances.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 05:36 am (UTC)The biggest problem that kids have is that they don't pay attention to their own needs, really listen to them, and learn what to do about it. And small wonder, since parents and teachers and nearly every adult belittles the feelings and needs of a child... how many times were you told what to do, to feel, to say? And how many times were you asked? Growing up is ALL about figuring out what you want and how to get it, but nothing about parenting culture seems to accommodate that.
I didn't wear lowrise jeans, but I didn't know how to respect myself, either, and I paid the price physically and socially. And to me, that was just as bad, if not worse, than if I had made culturally-risky decisions like drugs/alcohol/sex/violence/abuse. Conscious is the word. If you can teach Topaz how to be conscious, she will have the world in her hand. I totally believe its possible. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 09:31 am (UTC)You have the right mindset, and you go with your gut feeling on the issues that matter to you. That's what counts. Never give in to something that goes against the grain just because someone else has told you you should.
I'd not heard of the Waldorf schools. Sounds like a good setup.
When she's older you could think about foreign exchanges, maybe; you know, where she goes to another country, stays with a local family, and their child comes to stay with you. I don't know how common that is in the US, but over here it's the done thing.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 10:11 am (UTC)I'm still working on it, slowly. I teach her the things I want her to know, even if it isn't the Only Way It Is in her life. For instance, I've been working to (slowly but surely) improve her diet. I don't always have a lot of choice, and there are the "special occasions" and stuff that I don't want to make her feel left out of. So, I have taught her *why* I think things are important. She knows dairy makes her sniffly and upsets her tummy. She'll ask me if it is okay to have ice cream on special occasions, and I'll ask her if she wants to deal with the consequences. There are a lot of times - a huge amount for a six year old - where she will decline the treat on her own. We talk about some of the things other kids are allowed to do that she isn't, and I tell her why I don't think it is best for her and that it is my job to make sure she grows up to be a good, healthy, happy person, the best I can. She gets it. She's allowed to have some toys, but not others. I don't forbid her to play with them at someone else's house, but she knows why I don't like them, so she doesn't ask to have any of her own.
A few people (like Jay's mom) asked me why I didn't want to put her in private school. I want her to learn, under my supervision while she is young, how to hold fast to her beliefs and decisions and lessons even when other people around her aren't. I've seen too many people come out of private schooling and such completely unprepared for dealing with society at large. Going to public school, I learned priceless lessons of adaptability, acceptance, tolerance and diversity. Sometimes it is the street smarts that make a difference when up against something/someone that matches your booksmarts.
You do a lot more than you might think, as a parent, by simply explaining the *whys* of the rules you set, and the decisions you make. I try to make Bit a part of the process as much as I can, so she doesn't feel like it is just something she *has* to do. Because, really, once they leave home, it is all up to them. I know too many people who were raised in extremely strict environments and knew nothing else and went totally overboard the first time they were exposed to something else and able to make their own choices. I want Bit to see the *reasons* behind the decisions, and believe on her own that they are best for her. I don't just want it to be "My Mum was really weird about food and stuff."I've found that the best way to keep her from feeling like she is missing something is by not completely denying it. She can eat cake or ice cream, but when she is stuffed up later and her tummy hurts, I'll remind her about the connection between what she ate and how she feels. Now, she asks for salad on her own and she often tells people "no thank you" when they offer her soemthing she knows isn't good for her.
She has a habit of lecturing people on their eating habits, too. I'm trying to work with her on diplomacy... but it's slow going, she's *very* Leo. ;)
no subject
Date: 2006-02-16 03:31 am (UTC)Teach your kids to be in the world, among other people, but still holding on to your values. Instill them strongly...then accept your child as they internalize those values. Topaz will not internalize every value you hold; she will not internalize every value Jake has, either. Some she will take. Some she will believe. But not all. Accept that. She may turn out well anyway. My brothers and I didn't take all our parents values, but we're still highly moral and very disciplined when it comes down to it. And we're good kids, even though we aren't carbon copies of our parents.
Two of the four are very anti-consumerist; two are very pro-consumerism. And my parents have just run with that. Not all your kids will be the way you believe, but they'll have a solid grounding. Give your kids that.