![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valancystirling5 Parenting Rules It's OK to Break
Don't listen to these "shoulds"!
1) "You should have a natural childbirth."
Perhaps you feel obligated to hire a team of midwives, or you don't dare ask for the epidural option. After all, if other women have survived 75 hours of unmedicated labor for the benefit of their baby, why shouldn't you? Here's why: Your labor and delivery depend a lot on fate -- and not on your birth plan. Things may go fine, no meds required, or complications may occur, a last-second c-section, say, with pain relievers a must. Whatever the case, know that babies born "natural" -- and those not -- almost always end up okay. As do their mothers! You SHOULD always make your decisions based on fear! In fact, why don't you just schedule a c-section right now! It's major surgery with risks--because it's surgery--but that's okay.
2) "You should breastfeed, no matter what."
Well, of course you "should" breastfeed. For one thing, think of the bottles you won't have to wash! Seriously, we've all heard the reasons why breast is best for the baby. What we don't often hear is that nursing, for some women, is not a preferable option. Right. Not for the moms who have better things to do, and who would rather get back to their old life and forget they even have a baby. After all, it's so inconvenient to do what's best for YOUR CHILD. For some, latch-on is excruciating. But then it gets better, if you stick with it, or consult a lcatation specialist. Others develop breast inflammation. For which there is easy treatment and usually quick recovery. And still others may not have a job that allows for multiple pumping breaks. When it comes to nourishing your newborn, do with pride what works for you, and be thankful you have options. Be thankful you have options when you have a really good legitimate reason for not being able to breastfeed--don't look at it as a way out of good mothering.
3) "You should never use a pacifier."
Rejecting this "should" may have actual medical benefits: Studies show that, from about 1 month of age to 6, pacifiers can protect against SIDS. Medical research aside, there's simply no controlling whether your infant desperately needs to suck or couldn't care less. While we're not advocating pacifiers (who needs another thing to buy, clean, keep track of, and eventually do away with, not to mention elicit disapproval from old ladies on buses?), we're saying that in those chaotic early days, if you have to stopper the kid to get out for a walk -- or to get some sleep -- toss the guilt with the next dirty diaper. Would you shove a pacifier into the mouth of an adult who is crying? Did it occur to you that your baby is a little person who is crying to express a need? Babies don't cry for the sheer joy of it, they are asking for help. Don't shove something into its mouth to shut it up, try some real parenting and pay attention to what your kid needs.
4) "You should have your baby on a firm sleeping schedule."
Babies are all kinds of sleepers. Some conk out at the drop of a light switch; others take hours of screaming, nursing, being rocked. Some sleep deeply; others wake up hourly like little cuckoo clocks. If it serves your needs and your baby's, let him stay up till all hours watching Grey's Anatomy with you -- and don't let your mother-in-law tell you you'll "ruin him" unless you force him to bed at seven. At some point, you'll probably want to coax your baby toward a schedule, if only for your own sanity. After all, if your 9-month-old knows you'll come every time he calls in the night, he will call. But let your own needs and comfort level guide you -- not your guilty conscience. I agree with this one somewhat. But only because I did this when I was desperate for a while in the beginning. Now I've tried going along with the routine, sleep-schedule thing, and find that Topie is actually much happier when she goes to bed earlier, at approximately the same time every night.
5) "You should give him veggies every day."
Babies, like their parents, come with at-times-unyielding wills that decide what they like and don't like to eat. It's your job to present appropriate and healthy foods, but whether your baby chooses to swallow them or spew them down at the cat is something you don't have much say about. As long as she's drinking breast milk or formula, as long as he's experiencing the feel of food in his mouth, as long as the doctor isn't concerned, do yourself a favor and let go of the myth that the kid should eat "right" at every meal. Most children don't -- not in infancy and not beyond. Such is life! I don't have a problem with this one either, because I know that Topaz gets most of her nutrition from breastmilk. When that's not the case, then definitely veggies every day.
-- Cathi Hanauer
Don't listen to these "shoulds"!
1) "You should have a natural childbirth."
Perhaps you feel obligated to hire a team of midwives, or you don't dare ask for the epidural option. After all, if other women have survived 75 hours of unmedicated labor for the benefit of their baby, why shouldn't you? Here's why: Your labor and delivery depend a lot on fate -- and not on your birth plan. Things may go fine, no meds required, or complications may occur, a last-second c-section, say, with pain relievers a must. Whatever the case, know that babies born "natural" -- and those not -- almost always end up okay. As do their mothers! You SHOULD always make your decisions based on fear! In fact, why don't you just schedule a c-section right now! It's major surgery with risks--because it's surgery--but that's okay.
2) "You should breastfeed, no matter what."
Well, of course you "should" breastfeed. For one thing, think of the bottles you won't have to wash! Seriously, we've all heard the reasons why breast is best for the baby. What we don't often hear is that nursing, for some women, is not a preferable option. Right. Not for the moms who have better things to do, and who would rather get back to their old life and forget they even have a baby. After all, it's so inconvenient to do what's best for YOUR CHILD. For some, latch-on is excruciating. But then it gets better, if you stick with it, or consult a lcatation specialist. Others develop breast inflammation. For which there is easy treatment and usually quick recovery. And still others may not have a job that allows for multiple pumping breaks. When it comes to nourishing your newborn, do with pride what works for you, and be thankful you have options. Be thankful you have options when you have a really good legitimate reason for not being able to breastfeed--don't look at it as a way out of good mothering.
3) "You should never use a pacifier."
Rejecting this "should" may have actual medical benefits: Studies show that, from about 1 month of age to 6, pacifiers can protect against SIDS. Medical research aside, there's simply no controlling whether your infant desperately needs to suck or couldn't care less. While we're not advocating pacifiers (who needs another thing to buy, clean, keep track of, and eventually do away with, not to mention elicit disapproval from old ladies on buses?), we're saying that in those chaotic early days, if you have to stopper the kid to get out for a walk -- or to get some sleep -- toss the guilt with the next dirty diaper. Would you shove a pacifier into the mouth of an adult who is crying? Did it occur to you that your baby is a little person who is crying to express a need? Babies don't cry for the sheer joy of it, they are asking for help. Don't shove something into its mouth to shut it up, try some real parenting and pay attention to what your kid needs.
4) "You should have your baby on a firm sleeping schedule."
Babies are all kinds of sleepers. Some conk out at the drop of a light switch; others take hours of screaming, nursing, being rocked. Some sleep deeply; others wake up hourly like little cuckoo clocks. If it serves your needs and your baby's, let him stay up till all hours watching Grey's Anatomy with you -- and don't let your mother-in-law tell you you'll "ruin him" unless you force him to bed at seven. At some point, you'll probably want to coax your baby toward a schedule, if only for your own sanity. After all, if your 9-month-old knows you'll come every time he calls in the night, he will call. But let your own needs and comfort level guide you -- not your guilty conscience. I agree with this one somewhat. But only because I did this when I was desperate for a while in the beginning. Now I've tried going along with the routine, sleep-schedule thing, and find that Topie is actually much happier when she goes to bed earlier, at approximately the same time every night.
5) "You should give him veggies every day."
Babies, like their parents, come with at-times-unyielding wills that decide what they like and don't like to eat. It's your job to present appropriate and healthy foods, but whether your baby chooses to swallow them or spew them down at the cat is something you don't have much say about. As long as she's drinking breast milk or formula, as long as he's experiencing the feel of food in his mouth, as long as the doctor isn't concerned, do yourself a favor and let go of the myth that the kid should eat "right" at every meal. Most children don't -- not in infancy and not beyond. Such is life! I don't have a problem with this one either, because I know that Topaz gets most of her nutrition from breastmilk. When that's not the case, then definitely veggies every day.
-- Cathi Hanauer
