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valancystirling5 Parenting Rules It's OK to Break
Don't listen to these "shoulds"!
1) "You should have a natural childbirth."
Perhaps you feel obligated to hire a team of midwives, or you don't dare ask for the epidural option. After all, if other women have survived 75 hours of unmedicated labor for the benefit of their baby, why shouldn't you? Here's why: Your labor and delivery depend a lot on fate -- and not on your birth plan. Things may go fine, no meds required, or complications may occur, a last-second c-section, say, with pain relievers a must. Whatever the case, know that babies born "natural" -- and those not -- almost always end up okay. As do their mothers! You SHOULD always make your decisions based on fear! In fact, why don't you just schedule a c-section right now! It's major surgery with risks--because it's surgery--but that's okay.
2) "You should breastfeed, no matter what."
Well, of course you "should" breastfeed. For one thing, think of the bottles you won't have to wash! Seriously, we've all heard the reasons why breast is best for the baby. What we don't often hear is that nursing, for some women, is not a preferable option. Right. Not for the moms who have better things to do, and who would rather get back to their old life and forget they even have a baby. After all, it's so inconvenient to do what's best for YOUR CHILD. For some, latch-on is excruciating. But then it gets better, if you stick with it, or consult a lcatation specialist. Others develop breast inflammation. For which there is easy treatment and usually quick recovery. And still others may not have a job that allows for multiple pumping breaks. When it comes to nourishing your newborn, do with pride what works for you, and be thankful you have options. Be thankful you have options when you have a really good legitimate reason for not being able to breastfeed--don't look at it as a way out of good mothering.
3) "You should never use a pacifier."
Rejecting this "should" may have actual medical benefits: Studies show that, from about 1 month of age to 6, pacifiers can protect against SIDS. Medical research aside, there's simply no controlling whether your infant desperately needs to suck or couldn't care less. While we're not advocating pacifiers (who needs another thing to buy, clean, keep track of, and eventually do away with, not to mention elicit disapproval from old ladies on buses?), we're saying that in those chaotic early days, if you have to stopper the kid to get out for a walk -- or to get some sleep -- toss the guilt with the next dirty diaper. Would you shove a pacifier into the mouth of an adult who is crying? Did it occur to you that your baby is a little person who is crying to express a need? Babies don't cry for the sheer joy of it, they are asking for help. Don't shove something into its mouth to shut it up, try some real parenting and pay attention to what your kid needs.
4) "You should have your baby on a firm sleeping schedule."
Babies are all kinds of sleepers. Some conk out at the drop of a light switch; others take hours of screaming, nursing, being rocked. Some sleep deeply; others wake up hourly like little cuckoo clocks. If it serves your needs and your baby's, let him stay up till all hours watching Grey's Anatomy with you -- and don't let your mother-in-law tell you you'll "ruin him" unless you force him to bed at seven. At some point, you'll probably want to coax your baby toward a schedule, if only for your own sanity. After all, if your 9-month-old knows you'll come every time he calls in the night, he will call. But let your own needs and comfort level guide you -- not your guilty conscience. I agree with this one somewhat. But only because I did this when I was desperate for a while in the beginning. Now I've tried going along with the routine, sleep-schedule thing, and find that Topie is actually much happier when she goes to bed earlier, at approximately the same time every night.
5) "You should give him veggies every day."
Babies, like their parents, come with at-times-unyielding wills that decide what they like and don't like to eat. It's your job to present appropriate and healthy foods, but whether your baby chooses to swallow them or spew them down at the cat is something you don't have much say about. As long as she's drinking breast milk or formula, as long as he's experiencing the feel of food in his mouth, as long as the doctor isn't concerned, do yourself a favor and let go of the myth that the kid should eat "right" at every meal. Most children don't -- not in infancy and not beyond. Such is life! I don't have a problem with this one either, because I know that Topaz gets most of her nutrition from breastmilk. When that's not the case, then definitely veggies every day.
-- Cathi Hanauer
Don't listen to these "shoulds"!
1) "You should have a natural childbirth."
Perhaps you feel obligated to hire a team of midwives, or you don't dare ask for the epidural option. After all, if other women have survived 75 hours of unmedicated labor for the benefit of their baby, why shouldn't you? Here's why: Your labor and delivery depend a lot on fate -- and not on your birth plan. Things may go fine, no meds required, or complications may occur, a last-second c-section, say, with pain relievers a must. Whatever the case, know that babies born "natural" -- and those not -- almost always end up okay. As do their mothers! You SHOULD always make your decisions based on fear! In fact, why don't you just schedule a c-section right now! It's major surgery with risks--because it's surgery--but that's okay.
2) "You should breastfeed, no matter what."
Well, of course you "should" breastfeed. For one thing, think of the bottles you won't have to wash! Seriously, we've all heard the reasons why breast is best for the baby. What we don't often hear is that nursing, for some women, is not a preferable option. Right. Not for the moms who have better things to do, and who would rather get back to their old life and forget they even have a baby. After all, it's so inconvenient to do what's best for YOUR CHILD. For some, latch-on is excruciating. But then it gets better, if you stick with it, or consult a lcatation specialist. Others develop breast inflammation. For which there is easy treatment and usually quick recovery. And still others may not have a job that allows for multiple pumping breaks. When it comes to nourishing your newborn, do with pride what works for you, and be thankful you have options. Be thankful you have options when you have a really good legitimate reason for not being able to breastfeed--don't look at it as a way out of good mothering.
3) "You should never use a pacifier."
Rejecting this "should" may have actual medical benefits: Studies show that, from about 1 month of age to 6, pacifiers can protect against SIDS. Medical research aside, there's simply no controlling whether your infant desperately needs to suck or couldn't care less. While we're not advocating pacifiers (who needs another thing to buy, clean, keep track of, and eventually do away with, not to mention elicit disapproval from old ladies on buses?), we're saying that in those chaotic early days, if you have to stopper the kid to get out for a walk -- or to get some sleep -- toss the guilt with the next dirty diaper. Would you shove a pacifier into the mouth of an adult who is crying? Did it occur to you that your baby is a little person who is crying to express a need? Babies don't cry for the sheer joy of it, they are asking for help. Don't shove something into its mouth to shut it up, try some real parenting and pay attention to what your kid needs.
4) "You should have your baby on a firm sleeping schedule."
Babies are all kinds of sleepers. Some conk out at the drop of a light switch; others take hours of screaming, nursing, being rocked. Some sleep deeply; others wake up hourly like little cuckoo clocks. If it serves your needs and your baby's, let him stay up till all hours watching Grey's Anatomy with you -- and don't let your mother-in-law tell you you'll "ruin him" unless you force him to bed at seven. At some point, you'll probably want to coax your baby toward a schedule, if only for your own sanity. After all, if your 9-month-old knows you'll come every time he calls in the night, he will call. But let your own needs and comfort level guide you -- not your guilty conscience. I agree with this one somewhat. But only because I did this when I was desperate for a while in the beginning. Now I've tried going along with the routine, sleep-schedule thing, and find that Topie is actually much happier when she goes to bed earlier, at approximately the same time every night.
5) "You should give him veggies every day."
Babies, like their parents, come with at-times-unyielding wills that decide what they like and don't like to eat. It's your job to present appropriate and healthy foods, but whether your baby chooses to swallow them or spew them down at the cat is something you don't have much say about. As long as she's drinking breast milk or formula, as long as he's experiencing the feel of food in his mouth, as long as the doctor isn't concerned, do yourself a favor and let go of the myth that the kid should eat "right" at every meal. Most children don't -- not in infancy and not beyond. Such is life! I don't have a problem with this one either, because I know that Topaz gets most of her nutrition from breastmilk. When that's not the case, then definitely veggies every day.
-- Cathi Hanauer
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1
Date: 2007-01-01 09:11 pm (UTC)My learning came from being part of a family for whom I have joked that breeding is the family business. I have, however, run into a lot of what we call "the New Parents", who had Read A Lot Of Books. This led to a lot of exchanges like this one:
"How is breastfeeding going for you so far?"
"I'm not breastfeeding."
"But, breastfeeding is..."
"I know. Thank you. I read the pamphlets."
"Every baby should be breastfed."
"Well, I'm on medication that makes that Not An Option."
*Huff* "Maybe you should have thought of that before deciding to be a mother."
It wasn't just that one incident, either. Nor was it just over breastfeeding. The only thing that likely kept me out of jail is the fact that I am a good enough mother to know that you cannot tear someone's throat out with your teeth without getting blood stains on the kiddo's favorite baby blanket, if they happen to be in your arms at the time. Othertimes, luckily, someone else was there to hold me back.
But that's the kind of "shoulds" that people run into. Often regardless of circumstance, like health problems. You should only have children if you can have a natural childbirth. You should only have children if you can breastfeed. And so on.
And you know... for me, the point wasn't even that some of it was medical in my situation. I just flat out don't agree with a lot of the parenting ideas that were being shoved down my throat.
I've watched a couple generations of kids being brought up in my family (the ages stair-step and the generations overlap, so I have an aunt who is now a great-grandmother). I've seen how we were raised, and how my cousins raised their kids... and I've seen, along side of this, kids who were raised with those "new parenting" ideas...
And, honestly, I will take the kids in my family over those, any time.
Whether or not everything was done to the "ideal", the kids in my family are much more secure, stable, self-reliant and happy than most kids I have seen. For the most part, they were also bottle-fed (and even with the few who were breastfed, the general rule was "if they are old enough to ask for boob, they are too old to get it"), given pacifiers, and raised in a "cry it out" family (though I know that is a High Evil according to some these days). They slept in their own bed from the beginning. They were not carried around in slings. And they are fine. Not only are they fine, they are healthy, happy, and better adjusted than a lot of the other kids their age, who were raised under more of the new "shoulds". They have closer, healthier bonds with their parents than most kids I see - and I spend a lot of time around kids.
2
Date: 2007-01-01 09:11 pm (UTC)What I wish saw more "should" treatment is consistancy and stability. The one area I have had to struggle with is that I don't have my family close at hand, so I don't have the built-in network of cousins, aunts, greats, and grands that are usually there, in my family, for those "Can you please watch the kid" calls. I believe that our biggest "secret" in kid-raising is sane mothers. Mothers who get the time they need to themselves, so they can work on that consistancy and stability without cracking.
I truly believe that articles like this are a backlash. They are written for all those mothers out there who read the books, have their Ideals, and then find themselves crying again and again because of guilt... guilt because they couldn't deal anymore and gave the kid a pacifier. Guilt because they - for whatever reason - put the kid on a bottle (and not just formula... their are very vocal groups out there against pumping, as well). Guilt because they just couldn't take it and had to leave the baby with someone so they could have some time for themselves. Guilt because they caved and got an epidural during labor. Guilt for using a stoller, a swing... whatever.
I've talked to mothers who went through all this and have older kids now. A lot of them wish they had done things differently. I've talked to a lot of mothers who read about co-sleeping and all that, and are now tearing their hair out because they were told that there would be a "natural transition", and now they have 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 year olds who won't stay out of their beds and let them get a full night's sleep... and they "read all the books". (I put my foot down when Miss Bit was 5, because in spite of my rules, J and his family found it "easier" to let her sleep with them. We still have fights at bedtime.)
But still... mothers are made to feel guilty. Good Mothers making the best choices for them *and* their children, because the two are linked. They get... guilt. They find themselves feeling alone and ashamed, because they didn't do everything they were told they "should".
You know what I would like to see? Natural parenting groups who present the options, and explain the benefits, but aren't all about the "Holier-Than-Thou" preaching. The ones who say "these are what we believe to be the best choices, and here is why. Even if you can't Do It All, we believe that incorporating what you can will benefit you and your child." Instead... we get "do this or you have no right to be a parent", everywhere we turn. Half the time, it seems more like some strange compitition than anything helpful.
So... whether or not I agree with all their points... I understand why articles like this need to be written.