(no subject)

Last night Jake and I commented to each other that almost overnight Topaz has gone from baby to little girl. Just the way she looks, and her expressions, and her increasing control of herself. It's amazing to watch.

She loves playing with blocks. I build something, and then the one-girl demolition derby steps in. Much fun.

We had her absolutely cracked up last night. You never know what's going to set her off, but strangely enough last night it was the word OTTAWA. I've never seen her laugh so hard. It was freaking hilarious.

She's having a great time hogging the bed. I've barely slept the past two nights because she's getting so squirmy. We seriously need a bigger bed. Back when we bought this bed and spent a fortune on it, we weren't really envisioning having a baby lyaing sideways between us in it. Oh, how things change.

SO Anna answered my question as to whether or not I should go to Syracuse on Friday to see Blue October. Just as well that the show is postponed, because then Topie will be another month older, and then I can decided then.

(no subject)

Today I'm feeling anxiety in waves. I'm picturing the ocean, waves crashing on the beach, receding quickly, over and over.

I'm not sure what the problem is. I haven't felt like this in a while.

Do I dare consider PPD? In the early months it was certainly a problem. I'm supposed to have it all under control by now, right? And mostly I feel like I do, but today...

I'm worried about money, which is insane because we're better off than we've been in ages. The fact that my biggest financial concern at present is that I can't stop spending all my camera money on Starbucks. Poor thing.

I just realised I had't had any water all day. It's 2:15. I jsut drank a huge glass and I think the anxiety might have been caused by that. That, and the fact that all the windows were closed and the air was getting a little stagnant. So now I've opened some windows and just feeling the air circulating is settling my mind.

See, it's these little things that I consistenly forget about (myself) that keeps me fucked up perpetually.

Tomorrow I'm going to inform my pediatrician that I've decided not to vaccinate Topaz until she's at least two years old, at which time we will reevaluate based on circumstances at that time. I also don't think I'll be bothering with "well-visits" because they're a waste of time. The whole point of them is to vaccinate, and to expose your well child to all the sick kids in the office. No thanks. I don't hesitate to take Topie in when there's something the slightest bit off, so I'm not anti-pediatrician, but I don't necessarily believe there's any reason to take her in as frequently as they recommend. Maybe a few well-visits a year, but not the full schedule. Nice compromise?